If Tinder Profiles Were More Than 500 Characters: Pt. 1

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Me:

-Aspiring writer to be featured on “The Best of Craigslist”

-Professional at playing hide and seek from my boss for 8 hours straight.

-Blogger, but not in the conventional click bait “10 ways to be told how to do something by a person who’s currently forcing a giant brown log into porcelain because they don’t like working for someone else, need money for their Frosted Flakes dinner, and get a soft chub at the idea of telling someone else how to do something, they’ve done a few times.” I just write short fiction.

-Actual read profiles (sorry)

-Not really into poly relationships, mainly because (Insert a dad joke about angles and Geometry here)

– Would like to find the original girl that wrote “If your beard doesn’t connect, neither can we” and buy her a drink.

You:

-Must have personality, wit, and enjoy the occasional cocktail, which depending on both ends of the conversation, may lead to a shitload more of them.

-Consider a “Shitload” to be an actual unit of measurement and wished one day it would officially be entered into the metric system.

-Thinks the guy that invented the upside-down smiley emoji to be the face of our generation

-Have once tied your bootlaces so tight that you had to perform a surgical operation with a butter knife to remove them from your leg. But it really wasn’t a planed thing. Like you were just walking down busy McKinney Ave, near Shell Shack, with your omelet material for the week. Some of it says organic produce on the package, but it’s not from Whole Foods, so you’re kinda on the fence about it, but hey, we’re all trying to save some money and be healthy at the same time. Look the point is, you moved out of your way for the sweet old couple ahead of you wear matching SMU gear and the next thing you know, your left bootlace gets welded to the right, forcing you to move like you’ve seen way too many kidnap movies. The weeble-wabble finally falls to the pavement, leaving literally egg all over your face, where all the Alpha Gamma Delta girls sipping mimosas laugh hysterically.

-Like the Beatles

2 thoughts on “If Tinder Profiles Were More Than 500 Characters: Pt. 1

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