You’ve Got Mail

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When Dan got home he checked his mailbox again. No black dot. He let out a sign of relief and locked his 2016 Eclipse. A nice mid range sports car he’d given himself for turning 54.

It was quiet, like it always was. The way he preferred it. He walked inside, placed his shoes in the spotless shoe cubbie he cleaned twice a week and switched on the lights.

“Dooo Dumb Dumb,” He sang. “Dee Dee Dee Dum.”

He tapped the warn out preheat oven to 350 and dug through the freezer. “There it is!” He yelled. The ice made a scrapping noise as he grabbed the Stoufer’s Lasagna. Spinach and whole grains. A smile came across his face, he was finally entering the healthy lifestyle.

He floated over to his computer chair and shook the mouse. The screen popped up the exact same place he left off before work. It was a forum called “Suspicious minds, Now Awake.” A few clicks and he began typing away.

“I didn’t see one yet today. A total of 67 days straight. Looks like nobody is on to us Comrades!”

He pushed over the half empty bottle of Jergens and grabbed the fully packed bowl. As he took a rip, the oven began to beep. “Time to make the doughnuts!” He said to himself. He got up and attended to the needs of the Lasagna.

On his way back,  the computer flashed. “NEW REPLY!” It was Abbie-HoffMAN3620 a favorite poster of his. “Me either comrade. I’m glad to see it! You never know what the damn Roth Childs are going to come after us!”

Dan took another rip of the bowl. “Your damn right Abbie. Can’t be too careful,” he Thought as he began to scroll through more threads.

*****

“Dude stop being a Bitch!” Steve said.

“I’m not man. It’s just you know him. He talked to me for 2 hours today about this shit. Like I couldn’t even think about what I was doing.” Brad answered. Clucking the door handle.

He continued, “I mean you’ve met the guy. He’s definitely a little off.”

“Yea but he’s also a DICK BOSS! Remember how he MADE YOU go into work for your Mom’s Operations? Like What the fuck?” Said Steve.

“Yea your right. Fuck it. Let’s get this bitch!” Brad said.

The rusted camry’s door creaked as it opened. Brad shook the Sharpie a few times as jumped out of the car.

********

The next day Brad walked into work and Tom was stocking the beer cooler. Always a funny sight to see a short 63 year old on a step stool. But Tom was a funny guy. Plus, every time you saw him a bonus was near.

“Strange to see you here this early boss. Leading another managers meeting today?” Brad asked.

“Hey! There he is! Nah brotha, no meeting. But I need to give you a heads up.” He climbed down the latter in a serious face.

“Dan never showed up this morning. I went by his place and it was a mess!”

“A mess? That doesn’t sound like him.” Brad said.

“I know the whole thing is really weird. I mean no warning. No notice. Shit the son of a bitch took off so fast he didn’t even close his mailbox! Haha you believe that?”

Brad gulped.

 

Baby It’s Cold Outside

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His hands froze from the chill of the wind. Jared had ween walking for days, always a slow pace. not really much else to do when someone wrecks your home. It took it him months to find that Whirlpool box and before that it was behind the train station as usual. Actually that sounded like a good idea. Time to get back to your roots, he thought.

He wondered down Houston. Even though it was dawn out, the bright lights from the AA center still made his eyes water. The tears reminded him of how damn his black wool jacket was. It’s funny how quickly you forget and remember something. He had a lighter and would occasionally fire up the left breast in an attempt to melt the small ice embedded within the fibers. He looked over and a lady walking her dog stared at him.

“Excuse me miss? I hate to be a-” Jared said.

“I’m sorry I don’t have any money” She answered back. Her hand tugged the leach as he picked up the pace.

He followed on past the corner of the Olive and began down the brick walk way. He hopped the first two platforms and started asking around for a few bucks. Consistent “no’s” almost as if they were reading from the same script. Dammit! Don’t they know it’s cold out here? Don’t they know my shoulder’s have black spots from an iced over jacket?

He walked to the last platform. No one was over there. No train ever went on the fourth platform. Then he saw it. Here was my chance for warmth. My chance for redemption. 7-11, Shell, they all kicked him out when he just wanted feel his feet again. They’d be sorry now. He jumped over the rail and noticed some of his old supplies beside grass valley where he left them years ago. An old Pokemon blanket, several branches he used to fight off other’s at night, and an assortment of McDonald’s wrappers from two blocks down.

Quickly he stacked the wood in a triangle. Placing the wrappers underneath, while the blanket on top. He also placed some dead leaves and twigs for good measure. This was it! No more loud headphones. No more getting kicked out. No one cared about me anyways. He flicked his BIC. The flames arose. Everything caught fire like the 4th of July, even the rosy cheeks of Picachu began melting. He took off his jacket. The flames rose higher! The sweat poured down his face. Some like it hot alright, he thought. He began striping more clothing off. He couldn’t believe how warm he was. It was like Vegas in the summer! He started to scream with joy.

“TAKE THAT! HAHAHAHAHAHA”

He kneeled over it like Jimi Hendrix and fans more air into flames.

“I’M A VOOODOOO CHILLLDDD!! LAWD KNOWS I”M A VOOOODDOOOO CHHHILLDD”

*****

Frank was having a doughnut in the black and white. He almost spilled his coffee turning up the radio.

“All units please be advice. We have a Homeless man running around naked and starting fires at Victory Station.”

Snow Day

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***********

To: Darby, Steve, Miguel, Sarah, Jordan

Sent: 4:38pm

Subject: Tomorrow’s Weather

Body: “The weather is suppose to be bad tomorrow. Please plan on working from home.

Thanks,

-Mark”

********

To: Mark

CC: Darby, Steve, Miguel, Sarah

Sent: 10:03pm

Subject: Out of Office

Body: “My son’s school will be closed tomorrow, will be working from home.

-Jordan”

*******

To: Mark

CC: Steve, Miguel, Sarah, Jordan

Sent: 6:25am

Subject: Weather

Body: “As much fun as walking around in 18 degrees plus wind sounds, I’m going to work from home as well. I just got over being sick from that exact thing and I don’t want to catch it again.

Call me if you need anything.

-Darby”

*****

To: Mark

CC: Darby, Miguel, Sarah, Jordan

Sent: 9:03am

Subject: Re:Weather

Body: “Completely understandable. My wife is sick today, so I’ll be trying to nurse her back to health.

Call me or email if you need anything.

-Steve

—————————————————————————————————

“As much fun as walking around in 18 degrees plus wind sounds, I’m going to work from home as well. I just got over being sick from that exact thing and I don’t want to catch it again.

Call me if you need anything.

-Darby”

***********

To: Mark

CC: Darby, Steve, Jordan, Sarah

Sent: 9:05am

Subject: Working From Home

Body: “Call me if you need anything

-Miguel”

*********

To: Darby, Steve, Jordan, Sarah, Miguel

Sent: 10:14am

Subject: Bad Weather Days

Body:

“I think there was a misunderstanding about today. I was going by the forecast and wanted everyone to plan on working from home IF the weather did in fact turn bad. I did NOT intend for everybody to work from home when the weather did not turn bad and the roads were clear. I did hear from most of you with an explanation as to why you were not coming in but please do not take advantage of me about working from home. THIS WILL BE DISCUSSED AT FURTHER TOMORROW!

Please make sure you understand this and if you have any questions let me know. I want to give you as much flexibility but WHEN NO ONE SHOWS UP TO WORK ON A SUNNY DAY, IT LOOKS VERY BAD!

-Mark”

*********

That’s what we get for following the rules.

Lost in The Supermarket

“Where is- HEY!”

It was hard not to hear me plow down the isle. Squeeak, squeeeak, squeeeak. The back wheel gave away my position. Fucking dead weight, but whatever. It wasn’t like I was doing this to get away.

The foots steps pounded behind me. She was surprisingly nibble for a woman in heels. This would be over before I know it, if I don’t pick up the pace. I turned and the squeaky wheel almost clipped a Doritos display.

squeak-squeak, squeak-squeak, squeak-squeak. The wheels screamed louder.

“HEY! That’s my cart! Get back here!”

I was well aware of the situation. As a matter of fact I had been scoping her cart out since I got to the frozen food section. It wasn’t like she was super cute or special by any means. She just was the only woman who was caring her purse on her shoulder.

It wasn’t any specifically any one thing that brought me to this point. This week was extremely normal, but that was the problem. Nothing happened. Every minute of every hour this week was the same. But I have no one to blame but myself. Nothing happened because I didn’t make anything happen and it drove me insane. So when I saw that girl leave her cart to talk on the phone, I just reacted.

It wasn’t stealing because she hasn’t paid for anything. It was just an annoying thing that no one does. A social norm that NEVER gets broken.

I got tired and decided to park next to the Chex Parity mix, classic comfort food.

She slowed down once she saw me stop.

“What the hell is matter with you! That’s my stuff! Why did you take my stuff? Are you mental or something?”

Her look interrogated me. Seconds passed by and I thought about what to say to where she might be able to understand.

I smirked, looked her dead in the eyes, and spoke,

“I have no idea.”

The Long Walk Over

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Thump, thump.

Fuck. There’s that familiar feeling that takes over. All it takes is a quick glance at an hour glass figure welded to a cute face. Next thing I know, my mind takes off like the Indy 500.

Mind: She thinks I’m too short. I’m not dressed well enough. Her elbows are too pointy. She knows I went to the emergency room once because I jammed a bead in my nose. She’s probably a bitch or has huge salami nipples that are bigger than my face. Like I’ll probably put in all this work to find out that one of her boobs is lopsided. I’ll take off her shirt to find out that she saved up for this boob job only to have complications during the second implant. Her doctor felt so bad that he helped her with a nice stuffing cover up to make her less insecure about not being a full figured woman. Hence why she’s wearing a sweater. Real crafty Biggy Smalls, but I’m on to you. So don’t bother because this is how it will play out: I go over there spark her interest, we chat for a while only to find out she’s really interesting. We have a connection about how Joe Strummer was our hero back in high school. We go back to my place to listen to the Clash records and I find out her dirty little secret. Be Honest, do I really want to put myself though that?

I get up and start walking over. My mind picks up the pace.

Mind: What the fuck Darby, do you not know how to listen? So you’re really gonna go over there, what are you gonna say? Are you going to go with the typical, “Hi I’m Darby.” That’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard. She gets that all the fucking time by richer guys with a Maserati. Not an ’05 Honda civic that doesn’t even have automatic windows. Like she probably doesn’t even know how to work a window crank. She’s gonna get in on the first date and be all like, “I’m hot. Get me out of here! I need a REAL man that can afford REAL windows.” So lets just save the trouble huh? Just turn around now. Alright fuck it! I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but she’s got a boyfriend. That’s why she’s buying two cups of coffee. It’s the only logical reason because there’s no way she can consume that much coffee on her own. Darby turn the fuck around now! You’re just going to look stupid front of all these people. You come in here all the time, they’re all going to see you look stupid and call everyone they know. From there everyone in the entire Dallas area will know that you’re a fucking loser. You’ll get laughed at when you walk down the street and into Target. They’ll be like “There goes my name is Darby guy. You gonna ask for my number too faggot.”

I stop in front of her.

Mind: Bro pretend that you were gonna get something. It’s not worth it. There are million girls out there. For all you know she’s got a dick. Probably bigger than yours, not like it’s hard, micro penis boy. You know you’re packing a mini Tootsie Roll down there. Just TURN THE FUCK AROUND NOW!!! IT”S NOT FUCKING WORTH IT! YOU’RE JUST GOING TO GET REJECTED! She knows that you’ve jerked off into tube socks. Or that you’ve watched a live show of a women fucking a horse and became strangely aroused. SHE’S NOT LOOKING FOR ANY OF THIS SHIT! YOU BETTER NOT SAY A FUCKING WORD!

“Hey, how’s it going. I’m Darby.”

We chit chat for a while about how we both have just moved here and exchange numbers. I walk out of the coffee shop.

Mind: See, I told you she’d like you.

 

OKC: About me pt 2

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Part 1

I recently moved across the country to become boarder line homeless and fill marbles in a jar. I work in a startup department that has all the gut wrenching highs and lows of a Telenovela. Unfortunately, there aren’t any sexy Latin women. Well one, but she got pissed at me for asking to help take out the trash. Sweetheart, I get that you’re in heels but you finally lost the Jenga style trash game we’ve all been playing this week and didn’t pick it up. All you have to do is put the new trash bag in the empty bin. I guess that was asking too much of her and it sent me to the principal’s office for being “too abrasive.”

When I’m not getting barked at for taking out my co-workers garbage, I design spider-web power structures. Well more like constantly re-design due to the ever changing flavor of the month standards. These beautiful wired monstrosities are the most under appreciated pieces of art scattered throughout the state of Florida. They only get noticed when a hurricane or a drunk driver plows into one and the pieces are all over a fat balding man’s property who is pissed because his beer is going to get warm, and now can’t watch the NASCAR race in his favorite chair.

In the 45 minutes of free time I get per day I write, read, and mess with strangers in my fake Australian accent at the local watering hole called “Duffy’s.” I became very disappointed to find out that the name has no relations to the Simpsons and they don’t like it when you order a duff beer. It’s really not the bartenders fault though, she’s young. The Simpsons haven’t been relevant since the early 90’s. Even though, I bet her profile is on here and it probably says that she considers herself a 90’s child and claims the spice girls were a significant part of her early childhood development process. If you’re out there reading this Sarah, the jig is up.

(Note: this is taken from an old profile I use to use)

 

 

Cowboys and Indians

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Cough cough! My lungs felt like they were going to explode. It always happens when you hold it in too long. You get that sticky feeling, which everyone knows can be good. Screw it. You’re only 23. You’ll basically live forever.

I put the bowl down and started looking at my HP. Boring Chem 101, shit I could do in my sleep. Now calculus was a different story. I needed all my senses for that one.

The house was usually quite for having 12 roommates. But I guess that is what you’d expect when Halloween is on a Tuesday. Outside I heard loud drunken laughs of Zombies. Apparently that’s the go to look this year for the girls that didn’t want to show their ass. My eyes went back over to balancing equations.

Knock KNOCK KNOCK

My body snapped into perfect posture. Instantly, I starred over at the window reflection of me. Who the fuck was this? Nobody knocks here, except the cops. And even they just barge in sometimes. Maybe if I was quiet they’d go away I thought. I slowly glanced at the window in order to not make a sound with my eyes.

A Cowboy was staring right at me! My body flinched back into the couch.

“Hello! Hey I’m sorry man, I didn’t mean to scare you. I just got a quick question. Do you mind if I come in?”

At least he was a friendly Cowboy. He kinda looked like one of the douche bags next door. They always have a way of interrupting. “Yea come on in.” I picked up the bowl and took a quickie. The Indian in me thought it was a good idea to kick things off with the peace pipe.

“Oh shit,  you live in the brown house next door don’t you?” I took a another hit. “Wanna some?

“No thanks. But nah I live a few blocks towards downtown and-”

“Thank God. I hate those fuckers. Always yelling at us about moving our cars.” I interrupted. “As a matter of fact last week they-”

“Look man I’m sorry bother you but I’m on my way to a party and…. well…. fuck it. I GOT TO TAKE A SHIT! ………LIKE BAD!” He danced as he said the last part.

I starred blankly while my mind put all the pieces together. “Oh shit! Word! Yea go for it! There’s only one. Upstairs to the left. Can’t miss it.”

“THANK YOU SO MUCH!”

The cowboy charged up the stairs while I started laughing. None of the other guys where gonna believe it! This is one of the funniest things that have ever happened to me. I hit the green one last time and got back to the grind. This shit was due at 8 tomorrow.

The front door slammed and out popped Mark.

“Did you leave the door open?”

“Nah I didn-”

“You’re fucking high, of course you did.”

“What the shit is this? I can’t just tell you-”

“You guys are always fucking high!”

“Well you know. It’s kinda fun maybe you should give it try sometime.”

Mark ran up stairs. Classic. Always gotta give me lecture about this that and the third. He rustled around for a bit, then he ran back downstairs.

“Who’s in the Bathroom? Is Danny home?”

“Nah it’s this cowboy I met.”

He looked at me with disdain. “Cowboy? Dude! Is this another homeless guy like before?”

“Here we go. You always gotta bring that one up! And besides you thought Freddy was fun too!” I started packing another bowl.

“He stole all my liquor! and Tried to kick out the TV!”

I took a quick hit before defending myself. “Well in his defence it was pretty cold that day. Freddy probably needed ;something to warm him up. And that TV barely works. He was trying to fix it.”

BAMN BAMN BAMN

The Cowboy finally showed his face in the living room. In his right hand he carried a bag.

“Thanks again man! Soo sorry I had to bother you!” He paused for a second sorting out how to say the next part. “….But it got pretty rough before I got here. What do you want me to do with–”

I answered with no hesitation. “Yea outside just not on our place”

The cowboy started laughing. “Alright I can do that.” He smirked and walked out.

Mark suddenly found words again. “Dude WHAT THE FUCK! I don’t even know where to begin!”

“Dude! This has been going on for a minute in this place! You know how it goes. Sometimes you got to just a dude in when he’s gotta take a shit. I don’t really know why you’re all upset?

“WHY I”M UPSET!!? WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS?”

I picked up the bowl and took a hit. As blew the smoke out I could see something fly out of the corner of my eye. I could barely make it out but looked white and brown. My head turned to give it my full attention.

DUNK!

It slapped on the neighbors’ window and slowly oozed down into the bushes. I looked over at the sidewalk. The Cowboy gave me a thumbs up and walked away.