Featured Blogs that Get More Views Than Mine: Finding French Charming

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So my homie K-squared gave me a shout out on her blog Finding French Charming  Normally, I’d play along except I have exactly 3 people’s blogs I follow.

…and she’s one of them.

So the whole pay it forward idea is a bit moot, but I’ll play along for the for the “lulz” as the kids would say but only after I thank her my way, with a blog review.

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I’m not entirely sure when I started following Finding French Charming. I’m pretty sure I was getting cozy with some Makers Mark, and saw a beautiful women holding “Mis Amor” posters and liking something I wrote. I clicked over and read the tagline:

Finding true love…. Even after forty.

HOLD

THE

FUCKING

PHONE!

There is no way she is in her forties.

NO WAY!

Sweetheart if you’re over forty, then I have a 14 inch dick. I’ve seen a lot of bull shit on the interwebs but I’m not buying that one. At some point if you could comment your doctor’s name and phone number that would be great. I would love to have a long chat about what I need to be doing upkeep wise.

Anyways, I started reading her story and could instantly relate. Lived in Texas, been on a shit ton of online dates, looking for someone who doesn’t suck. Okay nothing new.

…But wait a minute, she actually found someone? Like found someone, found someone, from the internet? What the fuck?

Holy shit, that is fucking amazing to me! A normal person (at least I assume from your writing), finding that in the crap shoot that is the internet. Wow!

I don’t mainly talk about my background much, especially when it comes to that scene. But If I’m taking stats, They’re probably in the ballpark of something like this:

-Been in the online game for only 3 years, only dated girls I knew in person before that.

-Hundred of dates,

-Age range 18 to 54

-All different backgrounds, races, nationalities, and even a few that didn’t speak English.

-Most of them ended in either sex, drunken make outs, awkward conversations were be  both said fuck it, the girl being crazy or weird and me not pursuing, or the opposite, me acting like a jackass and the girl taking off.

-I’ve probably only been on a handful of second dates, mainly because I was either self loathing around the holidays, she was a good fuck, or I genuinely liked her.

-All and all, I can think of three I would like to see again.

-So at the end of the day, we’re talking a 3% success rate for me (in multiple states mind you) when it comes to some type of actual connection.

So I have to say it again, that shit is fucking amazing to me. I bitch a lot about online dating because it really doesn’t make sense. Let’s judge someone solely based on how they take pictures and how witty their 500 character bio’s can be, and whether or not they are in close proximity to me. It’s like the retarded lottery, except for whatever reason I keep playing, which makes me wonder who’s really the retarded one.

But I digress…

Here’s the thing I dig the most about the K-money’s blog. It’s her tenacity. This journey isn’t all sunshine and roses. Shit happens. Literally. She clogs the toilet the first time she meets her French boyfriend’s mother. She has to deal with douche bag lawyers with fancy drink orders, Micro-manager motorcycle riders, fireman Hoarders, and many more cringe worthy stories in which I’m sure she hasn’t talked about yet.

And through it all, she keeps her head up, and goes forward. I like that. A lot of her writing is humorous, with a “it’s not a big deal” vibe to it. I’m sure she didn’t always feel that way but the fact she can look back and joke to random readers around the world about her life in this way is pretty awesome. I got to say this French Charming sounds like a lucky guy, cause who doesn’t find that sexy?

Overall the blog is an 8 out of 10

If you’re ever bored in the Chicago area, shoot me an email. We’ll grab a drink and trade shitty date stories. I have a good one just off the top of my head, where a bartender rack jacked this girl from OKC that I was convinced was a catfish, at a packed bar Saturday night in Texas. Can’t make that shit up.

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So as promised my two quotes about love:

“Love is all right for those who can handle the psychic overload. It’s like trying to carry a full garbage can on your back over a rushing river of piss.” – Charles Bukowski

“Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go around looking for it, and I think it can be poisonous. I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each other would say to each other, when they fight, ‘Please — a little less love, and a little more common decency” – Kurt Vonnegut

Featured Blogs That Get More Views Than Mine: Life and Dreams of an Unchained Heart

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About a week ago my phone buzzed erratically at 3:30 am. I’d been having trouble sleeping the past couple weeks anyways, due to the slaughter-fest of people getting laid off at my job. I assumed it was L, a girl I’ve been seeing (who is normally awesome but is cruising for a muff punch lately) but to my surprise it was a notification of someone liking my post. Before I could put it back down, the phone vibrated  again and again.

This went on for a half hour straight. Rather than learn how to turn off the notifications on my iPhone, something that should be easy for an Engineer, I decided peek over at her site. It’s the least I could do. Not only did she read every post, but she left a few comments. Kudos. I’m sure she’s aware, this is how Darbis E Cashed likes to give back to the WordPress community. So without further ado.

The first thing I did was read over the comments she left. I was completely dumbfounded! This girl CAN FUCKING WRITE! Holy shit! I think I might be in love. For someone who spent the better part of last Sunday night getting verbally ass raped at a writers critique, it was definitely raised a tired eyebrow. I get excited for these kind of descriptions.

I suppose telling her that you jacked off while waiting for her response probably wouldn’t have gone well, but a pile of cum on the floor is essentially what this woman turned out to be.

Yikes! Harsh. I’m 5’6″ with giant balls and a Napoleon complex to match. I live among Texas amazon women who literally rock a one step per sidewalk square stride. To some of them I physically don’t enter their mind space, probably similar to how the Giant felt about Jack before the whole bean stock incident. I get ignored a lot both online and in person, but yet have never referred to any women as a pile of cum. I don’t know, I guess I’m old fashioned that way.

Clicking over to the About page I learned a lot. She’s a New Yorker (had a hunch from the comment), a total plus in my book. I love east coast people, most honest motherfuckers you’ll ever come across. I’d rather have that than this fake southern hospitality bull shit I’m surrounded by.

To me this girl is living the dream. Has a part time gig. Gets to write all day. Doesn’t have to deal with questions around the coffee pot like “How was your weekend?” when you know Frank from accounting just wants to tell you about his Daughter’s 3rd grade play. The mother fucking dream! But reading further things get interesting.

She’s bipolar and navigating her way through the online dating scene.

…….And now you have all my attention.

I dated a girl who was bi-polar once. At least I think she was, she might of just been crazy. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. But it was a wild ride to say the least. One moment she would be tearing my clothes off, trying to snap my cock with her pelvis. And a few hours later, she’d be leaving sobbing voice mails about how she had no one in her life and “really needed me to pick up the phone or else I’D COME OVER THERE AND BURN YOUR FUCKING PLACE DOWN!” Naturally I had to let that one go. It was just a bit too much for me. But I will say she was hot. They always are. And I’m willing to bet Ms. Shattered Wishes is not too bad on the eyes either.

In all seriousness, I know how hard dating can be. Shit I’m just starting to get to the big 3-0 and feel like I still have a lot to learn. I’ve dated in damn near 20 of the 50 States from all types of girls on the socioeconomic spectrum, with all types of backgrounds and as anyone can tell, I have a pretty hard time with it. And, well fuck, I’m just polar. I can’t imagine what adding another level of difficultly that on top of that could do.

So I truly mean it when I say, good luck out there Missy. I tip my hat to you. But honestly, I think I’m going to need more of that luck than you do. Your posts read like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders, probably better than mine. If you ever find yourself in Texas let me know, we’ll go on a random online 4 way date and make it really awkward for the other two people.

Thanks for reading my dumb little blog about jerking off to tinder pictures.

Overall: 9/10 Would read again

 

 

 

 

 

Featured Blogs That Get More Views Than Mine: “The Slutty Study”

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My phone dinged with a message that said “Jerri liked your post.”

Now this is nothing new for people who have real blogs with a bunch of followers and gross 500 views a day. But for Darbus E Cashed at Marble Tulips we take this kinda thing seriously. I mean having only your mom read a post where sex with you is compared to sanding a tunnel with a q-tip, kinda makes Christmas dinner a little awkward. Needless to say, I was intrigued.

The blog title grabbed me instantly. I clicked on the link labeled “The Slutty Study” and off I went. Questions formed in my head. Was she a Sorority chick in College, hens the play on words? Or did she bang a bunch of dudes in the name of science, like Trish the Dish from Mall rats? I mean who says the Scientific Method isn’t sexy? Shit the word ‘hypothesis’ just sounds like it’s begging to have an urban dictionary entry dealing with a bunch of plant leaves, petroleum jelly, and a kitty pool full of water.

Upon further digging, the term slut was not used in the ass leaking, ‘Back Door Sluts 9’ way we all know and love. Oh no. It was in the softer definition of the word, like how Molly Shannon from Superstar would’ve use it. A mixture of both raw and elegant like a man giving a light, well timed spanking to his girl at the county fair, forcing other couples to look at their intimacy issues. Basically, a term of liberation. Allowing yourself to go with the flow. Throw caution to the wind. Take life as it comes and feel something for once.

I dove into the “Yoga Guy” series like Harry Potter. I couldn’t help myself. I needed to know about the mysterious 47 year old limber man. Could he touch his toes? I get not being on the digital grid, but the unknown number? Weird. It reminded me about a date back in Halloween with someone I swore was going to be a catfish. Turned out, she literally was just the blonde bimbo that moved home from in Costa Rica a few weeks ago and didn’t have a U.S. number yet. Could’ve fooled me.

But to me the most interesting part is the entire premise of the blog. A sharp, witty, sometimes socially awkward, person moves to a new city to try and navigate there way around this crazy dating world. That sounds very familiar. Shit, that’s basically my first blog and even this one to some degree. I know the journey well, so it’s great it hear it from a different perspective.

Although, what’s up with a Canadian’s using ‘Mississippi’ to count? Like does everyone do that up there? I kinda thought that was an American thing and everyone else used the metric standard, ‘Banana’, for counting seconds.

In conclusion:

At the surface: A blog about dating in this crazy world from a woman’s view point? Awesome

At the depth: A blog about changing your beliefs about who you are and what you think you’re capable of? Truly Awesome!

Even Deeper: A blog with more than 6 followers? That’s Mother Fucking Awesome!

Overall – 9/10 with two strong thumbs ups.

Keep Scribbling homie.

 

-PS. Jerri if you ever find yourself traveling in the Lonestar State and want to trade dating stories with a 28 year old, half successful Engineer that has a bad ass record collection, and dreams of becoming a broke writer, let me know. My brother Jeremy is single.

 

Featured Blogs that Get More Views than Mine: Become a Civil Engineer

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The other day I was peering around the reader and came across this gem of a site entitled “Become a Civil Engineer”.

Being in this field, I decided to see what insightful knowledge I might have missed on my journey.

I clicked on the first article entitled “How to become a Civil engineer”. Not to my surprise it was a load of horseshit. Like literately I could gain more knowledge from looking at horseshit on the subject because I could at least understand something about soil, which I’m not sure if the author know, has something to do with being a CE.

The article comes out swinging “What do I do in College to prepare to be a civil Engineer?” Basically you spend the two years dicking around with easy classes that you should’ve already took in high school but said fuck it. Why would anyone take the hardest fucking classes in the last year? I mean for fuck sake you have to apply for colleges, figure out financial aid, play sports, find time to drink, tell the one girl you like how you really feel about her because she’s talking about going to MSU and you know there is no way you can get in. So you end up fucking yourself playing catch up for the next two years. Your poor but you at least have some some sort of social life. Then you finally get into your major and your class size gets microscopic. It’s harder to sleep. All the profs know your name. You sit through retarded four hour lectures about how cement dries. All the girls that were there a year ago are gone. Poof! Vanish into Supply Chain. Mother Fucker, this is ENGINEERING. All you have are trogliadies that are either named Helga or speak some crazy foreign language you can’t understand. Your social skills go to shit because your constantly alone, listening to broken English, and conversing with people on the spectrum. All you talk about is how to change something from the time domain into the frequency domain in order to obtain an understanding about ferro-resonance. Finally the day comes where you start sitting in for interviews and your pissed when they ask, “So what are your hobbies outside of Engineering?”

“What is the Job potential and pay for civil engineers?” GREAT! it says with demonstrative writing. Great is subjective statement. Great is what you tell your waitress when she interrupts an important part of the conversation to tell you about the desserts, which apparently are also “Great”. Great is what you tell your girl after it took her 45 minutes for you to splooge man mayo in her mouth. Great is also the word you say to yourself when the feeling of her sandpaper lips constantly interrupt your fantasy of the chick in Yoga class with the green Nike sports bra. But you don’t tell her, because, WELL DUH, you still want to keep receiving more. Bad head is greater than no head. The reality of Great is you make a bad ass GROSS salary. Shit anything is better that 7.25 an hour. After student loans, 401K, health, dental, taxes, apartment, electric, moving, you realize you make only $300 more than you did before school. Not to mention, they own you know.  Salaried employees never get overtime. You work weekends and holidays. You’re cubical becomes your home. Oh you had plans to play soccer this weekend? Sorry but we’re sending you to bum fuck Oklahoma to get yelled at in the Oil fields by meth heads with 4 teeth who make more than you, know more than you, but still jealous of you because your job has more social status then theirs.

“What are the different things I can do in a Civil Engineering career?”  Apparently there are seven disciplines but none of which get listed. I’ll help you out; googling calculations, getting training about how to do calculations, getting yelled about about how these calculation are wrong, correcting the calculations, submitting these calculations, getting yelled at about how these calculations won’t work in the real world by field employees, getting thrown under the bus about these calculations, and learning how to cover your ass so you don’t get thrown under the bus anymore about wrong calculations. The last one is the most important. Because no one does real work. Successful fokes don’t do real work. Wanna be successful? Just learn how to take credit and pass blame. It’s white collar 101. I was a dumbfuck in college and took English instead.

Summary: 8 out of 10. I’d visit it again.