36 Weeks

I made it 36 weeks.

36 weeks since I last messaged you.

I know this because you’re a millennial who only uses snapchat to text

It’s like a bomb timer in a Steven Seagal movie, that counts up

to infinity

or 36 weeks.

In that time, I’ve lived in two major US cities

I’ve dated doctors, lawyers, waitresses, Actresses, Economics professors, HR reps

I’ve had one night flings with girls from Brittan, South Africa, and the good ol’ USA

I’ve joined acting classes, bowling leagues, Soccer

I’ve went from having no friends, to more than I see on a regular basis

Despite all that, I got up and for the first time in 36 weeks

I thought of you.

I thought about our last drunken adventure where you kicked some girl out of your apartment

and the creamy vanilla perfume you always wear

and the one time you told me not to kiss you before our date because you just put on makeup, yet I did it anyways

to which you brought up months later as evidence that I was your “soulmate” even though I don’t believe in that.

I thought about all of those times

and how I’m sure you’re doing well wherever you are

with whoever you’re with

and I guess,

I just wanted to say “hi”.

Also,

I have the same pair of boots as you in that pic. #twins

How to Stand Out At a Concert

You move through the herd of selfie takers by the Riot Fest Demon Head

Dodge the Random Zombies in between stages, Texting their friends

Bump into the groups scrolling Instagram while Weezer warms up

You tilt your head to make out Rivers Cuomo from the sea of iPhones recording

“Bro, give me your Phone, I’ll take a sweet video for you” Says the stoned kid in the Bulls Hat next to you.

“It’s cool man, I’ll just enjoy it now.”

Welcome to being fucking weird in 2018.

How Things Done Changed

I sent a text to this girl I met the other day on the street. She just got back from living overseas for the last five years.

Me: You haven’t seen How I met Your Mother? Yikes

Her: I’m sorry I don’t know that reference. I feel like I’ve been missed so much, I’m just trying to catch up.

Me:Ohh, well that’s acceptable then. Here let me help. Here comes the cliff notes on the USA since you’ve been gone:

Me: So everyone in Hollywood is a rapist.

Me: A former reality tv star is our leader

Me: John Oliver replaced John Steward and moved the show to HBO.

Me: We’re really mad at guns.

Me: ……again

Me: For some reason people still like the Kardashians

Me: There are more “Real House Wives” than major US Cities

Me: We still protest racial issues

Me: Other than in Miami, Soccer isn’t a thing.

Me: And Winona Ryder is famous again.

Her: Wow. So nothing has changed huh.

Me: Not a damn thing.

 

 

The Most Dangerous Thought

I met a professional writer, and woke up the next morning and thought:

“Why not me?”

I found a job listing for the big city that was well out of my experience, and thought:

“Why not me?”

I saw a girl standing in line in Starbucks twirling hair while reading “The Road” and thought,

“Why not me?”

I met a woman who finished a marathon and thought:

“Why not me?”

Be careful, because you never know

where that thought will take you.

9731

People shuffle in, waiting in a wavy line to order a drink.

Like a well trained robot the workers turn out cup after cup of coffee

What’s the bathroom code?

9731

A long blonde finished with yoga gets a latte.

A cab driver with a Bluetooth headset gets a Pikes Roast

A Chinese girl struggles to order tea.

No Hello.

No Small talk.

And only one inevitable question, with a four number answer.

9731

9731

9731

A homeless man cuts in front of a teen in Daisy Dukes. He demands water as his trash bag knocks into the girl’s Kate Spade. The workers give him the cup and before he opens his mouth they say

9731

James the Manager of this Starbucks has a Master Degree From Columbia.

9731

Sarah, making the Green Tea Latte, has done Modeling for Target.

9731

Jade, taking the orders, has another day job to pay for her daughters private school.

9731

They’ve said the numbers so many times, the feeling is completely sucked out.

I asked if they’ve ever thought about putting a sign up.

They all gave me a confused look, and went back to working.

In a Perfect World

In a perfect world, I’d give a shit about our Retarded president and the hurt he’s caused. I protest my thoughts on Twitter and join the fight.

In a perfect world, I would go out for drinks when my co-workers ask me too. I wouldn’t make up an excuse and go write at Starbucks alone.

In a perfect world, I would acknowledge the pleas of homeless. I wouldn’t pretend I that I don’t have any change. Or ignore a man who has blood running from his eyes.

In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have to get into crushing debt to learn how to place lines on a computer screen.

In a perfect world, I wouldn’t watch the woman sneak her wedding ring off as I order another drink. And the next morning, we wouldn’t lie to each other saying that “we’ll totally do this again sometime”.

In a perfect world, I wouldn’t get sad watching all the empty eyes berried in their phones on the train. It wouldn’t break my heart to see all the endless scrolling, just for a little hit of stimulus.

In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have felt nothing when I was called a Racist, Bigot, Nazi, white trash, nigger lover, faggot, ignorant, or any other hateful slang.

But unfortunately, I live in this one,

where the hardest part is looking at yourself in the mirror everyday.

Book Review: Less Than Zero, Bret Easton Ellis

I wondered into Barns and Noble yesterday after work for no particular reason. Although I love indie bookstores, it was nice to walk into a store I knew there wasn’t a 50-50 shot at seeing a rat. I bumped into a guy checking out the Fiction section when I saw “Less Than Zero” by Brett Easton Ellis on the shelf.

Now, I’ve seen American Psycho like everyone else. Even had a date say I look like Patrick Bateman (she was crazy, I don’t). But something about this book spoke to me, so I grabbed it after reading the back cover.

I’m glad I did, because it’s an amazing book! I read it in a matter of hours, a feature in which only one other book has managed to accomplish for me. The quick and dirty notes: it’s about this wealthy 18 year old, Cliff, who is visiting home for Christmas. He reunites with old friends, parties, has wild encounters, and struggles with all of it.

Every section has this longing for meaning that is like a inch in your back you can’t quite scratch. You keep reading because you want it to resolve, but really never does. The story is mainly centered around the city of LA, which is easy to take shots there. But in reality, it goes much deeper.

If you look at it from a thousand point view, everyone of our needs is met. Even more so than before when you add in the influx of technology.

Need to go somewhere? Uber.

Wanna find a group to hang out with? Meetup.

Need a date? Tinder.

But when you really start to look at human nature, the history of who we are and how we’ve got to this point, you begin to see the flaw in this design. A flaw I think we are only beginning to scratch the surface on, and throws out a giant question.

What else is there?

My grandpa fought in Korea. He literally scraped his friend’s brain matter of his own face because he had to keep fighting. He might have been next if he didn’t. Yet so many years later, he did this so I could drink heavily, watch Netflix in my underwear, and listen to a girl on the train ramble on about Kylie Jenner’s favorite brand of matcha.

But what did we expect?

We weren’t ready for this unexpected consequence of numbness all the time. It’s like the people that are always like “give peace a chance”. That’s awesome in theory, but there is no human nature added in that equation. We like to feel shit. Not just the good stuff, like happiness, or joy. ALL OF IT! Truthfully, this is one of the main reasons I enjoy the company of women more than guys, because they naturally understand this.

So naturally we do what humans do and make mountains out of mole hills. We self sabotage. Create some chaos. For example, at one point Cliff, the main character, watches one of his good friend’s fuck another man because he’s owes coke money to a gangster. He contemplates leaving but stays by thinking “I need to see this.”

And truthfully, the more I think about it, I feel like it’s not just the particular character Cliff who would stay to watch.. Now, I’m not saying every single person would want to witness that level of shame from their friend. But I think the overall underlined concept is much more universal than we give credit too.

Anyways, I don’t know what else to write. I know this isn’t a very good review of the book. But I feel like the mere fact I can rant for 600 words about only a few pages, should give you a solid indication of how powerful this book is.

 

In conclusion,

10 out of 10

Will probably use it in an argument against a tree hugging hippy.