The kik. Attempt Pt. 1


Part 2

He checked his phone again. Still the picture of the confused emoji. What the fuck did that mean?

He started typing in Google. “Weird emoji on kik app” But all that came up was how to type an emoji. Well fuck I’m not that stupid. He took notes anyway. I’d be handy for later.

He’d tried kik once before when some divorcee sent him nudes of her massive nipples. The over-under started at pepperoni, but the clock ended with silver dollars. It was a tit for tat picture swap but it got cut short when he kept telling her the photos were blurry. The last time the phone buzzed it read, “You’re an ass hole.” True. I’m not a saint. But at least he wasn’t the mother Teresa of blue balls.

Before then he had only heard about kik from a Colombian, he’d dated once. “I don’t understand the point. Why not just give out the number?” “It’s an anonymous. Plus you can send videos and pictures.” “Oh, that sounds kinda cool.” “Not really, it’s just a bunch of dick pics.”

“Message me on kik :Victora*7865*” Fuck it. This time he wanted to try something different. Instead of sending a dead end message on OKC he decided to use the screen name on kik. That’s what it was for right?  She had fake tits, fake lips, and was awkward holding a camera for a mirror selfie, which probably meant she was trans. Girls these days just know how to give the allure of sex, something that takes a while to learn. But he didn’t care. He’d been on dates with just about every type of personality there was. Black, white, tall, short, fat, skinny, penis, vagina, it’s all good. The main requirement is long as you have curves and depth.

He kicked out the first message. Banter about how she used stars within her screen name. Stupid shit he knew, but the kid has sent worse. If they were in person he knew he could do so much better, but he rarely ever got that chance.

Four days later the phone buzzed.


Shit. He figured it was a dead end. But there was some hope on this retarded medium. He decided to push it. He wanted to hang out with this person and have a kik adventure. For better or worse. He took the joke further and called her a kik veteran. Compared the interaction to LeBron playing a middle school-er. Minutes the later the phone buzzed again.

“Ur crazy!”

Progress! Still had to hold out for a few minutes. Didn’t want to seems too eager before sending the next message.

He typed, “yea, I’ve been trying to get a check for that you know? They just don’t hand them out like they use too.”

The phone buzzed again. This time faster than than before. “Oh my god, I’m going it” he thought. “I’m gonna have this story. I’m gonna meet this broad and run around the city. We’ll have a drink Buzz’s, then run across the street to Kylde Warren. Shit we might even sneak into Greenwood Cemetery and look for haunted tombs. This message is the key. I’m gonna turn it around and ask her out.” He thought. He almost dropped the iPhone as he pulled it out of his pocket. His thumb was having trouble with circle. Finally! He swiped over a page and mashed the kik icon. The screen went blank while the message loaded. He read the words.

“send me ur dick”

He put the iPhone back in his pocket.


Feel Better?


“So does that make every feel better?”

Duh fuck kinda question was that. This meeting was about as useless at Marilyn Manson’s tits. Like shit, we all got it when Caitlyn Jenner got Tits. She’s actually Trans. You know, a WOMAN trapped in a MANS’s body. A victim. But Marilyn had no inclination of even considering the possible operation. He still wanted to battle his silicone orbs with Rose McGown’s real mountains while his throbbing rod scraped her inside walls back and forth. Fucking useless.

This was suppose to be a meeting where we clear the air about all the bullshit going on. About how tomorrow we have to go into a bigger meeting with the head honcho’s and explain why everything is not my boss’s fault. This was suppose to be a meeting where they would tell me I could stop using my personal computer for work because our IT department can’t figure out how to stop ransomware attacks. This was suppose to be a meeting about how I was going to be compensated for the 12 hours days I worked extra, the several holidays I came in the dead office to play on AutoCAD, or the seven day work weeks, or how I was going to lose all my vacation time because I didn’t get to use it this year.

Instead he began the meeting by telling us he laid off the most senor employee in our group. He said his head wasn’t ever here. Watching too many soccer games, did him in. But no mention of the fact he uprooted his entire family 400 miles, and the pain and suffering it caused his socially awkward son to fight the gauntlet of making new friends, because obviously his brain wasn’t ever here. The last punch was when we were given three months. Only three months for more work to start picking up before more layoffs began. Until the end of the first quarter he said, then the higher ups will start looking to make cuts. So for three months we’re all enemies. The office has now turned into a brutal game of Corporate Survivor for who can outwit, outlast, and out kiss the most ass of the higher ups. DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES DARBY? Can you get on your knees and start slobbing the corporate knob so you can pay the bills in the apartment you never get to see?  Stay tuned.

I also found out we’ll be switching to Dunkin’ Dougnuts coffee in the break room, so there’s that.