Give Me a Tuesday

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I’ve never been one for the Holidays.

Especially New Years, Halloween, and St. Paddy’s.

Anytime the normal crowd needs an excuse to get drunk is a night I want to stay in.

I’ve never felt like I’ve needed permission to be me.

Plus, all those days consist of

too many people,

making too many plans.

So much worrying, they forget about the whole reason they’re out.

Not for me.

 

Just give me a Tuesday.

No Expectations

No plans

No possibility of a let down.

Now that sounds like the perfect opportunity.

Featured Blogs that Get More Views Than Mine: Finding French Charming

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So my homie K-squared gave me a shout out on her blog Finding French Charming  Normally, I’d play along except I have exactly 3 people’s blogs I follow.

…and she’s one of them.

So the whole pay it forward idea is a bit moot, but I’ll play along for the for the “lulz” as the kids would say but only after I thank her my way, with a blog review.

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I’m not entirely sure when I started following Finding French Charming. I’m pretty sure I was getting cozy with some Makers Mark, and saw a beautiful women holding “Mis Amor” posters and liking something I wrote. I clicked over and read the tagline:

Finding true love…. Even after forty.

HOLD

THE

FUCKING

PHONE!

There is no way she is in her forties.

NO WAY!

Sweetheart if you’re over forty, then I have a 14 inch dick. I’ve seen a lot of bull shit on the interwebs but I’m not buying that one. At some point if you could comment your doctor’s name and phone number that would be great. I would love to have a long chat about what I need to be doing upkeep wise.

Anyways, I started reading her story and could instantly relate. Lived in Texas, been on a shit ton of online dates, looking for someone who doesn’t suck. Okay nothing new.

…But wait a minute, she actually found someone? Like found someone, found someone, from the internet? What the fuck?

Holy shit, that is fucking amazing to me! A normal person (at least I assume from your writing), finding that in the crap shoot that is the internet. Wow!

I don’t mainly talk about my background much, especially when it comes to that scene. But If I’m taking stats, They’re probably in the ballpark of something like this:

-Been in the online game for only 3 years, only dated girls I knew in person before that.

-Hundred of dates,

-Age range 18 to 54

-All different backgrounds, races, nationalities, and even a few that didn’t speak English.

-Most of them ended in either sex, drunken make outs, awkward conversations were be  both said fuck it, the girl being crazy or weird and me not pursuing, or the opposite, me acting like a jackass and the girl taking off.

-I’ve probably only been on a handful of second dates, mainly because I was either self loathing around the holidays, she was a good fuck, or I genuinely liked her.

-All and all, I can think of three I would like to see again.

-So at the end of the day, we’re talking a 3% success rate for me (in multiple states mind you) when it comes to some type of actual connection.

So I have to say it again, that shit is fucking amazing to me. I bitch a lot about online dating because it really doesn’t make sense. Let’s judge someone solely based on how they take pictures and how witty their 500 character bio’s can be, and whether or not they are in close proximity to me. It’s like the retarded lottery, except for whatever reason I keep playing, which makes me wonder who’s really the retarded one.

But I digress…

Here’s the thing I dig the most about the K-money’s blog. It’s her tenacity. This journey isn’t all sunshine and roses. Shit happens. Literally. She clogs the toilet the first time she meets her French boyfriend’s mother. She has to deal with douche bag lawyers with fancy drink orders, Micro-manager motorcycle riders, fireman Hoarders, and many more cringe worthy stories in which I’m sure she hasn’t talked about yet.

And through it all, she keeps her head up, and goes forward. I like that. A lot of her writing is humorous, with a “it’s not a big deal” vibe to it. I’m sure she didn’t always feel that way but the fact she can look back and joke to random readers around the world about her life in this way is pretty awesome. I got to say this French Charming sounds like a lucky guy, cause who doesn’t find that sexy?

Overall the blog is an 8 out of 10

If you’re ever bored in the Chicago area, shoot me an email. We’ll grab a drink and trade shitty date stories. I have a good one just off the top of my head, where a bartender rack jacked this girl from OKC that I was convinced was a catfish, at a packed bar Saturday night in Texas. Can’t make that shit up.

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So as promised my two quotes about love:

“Love is all right for those who can handle the psychic overload. It’s like trying to carry a full garbage can on your back over a rushing river of piss.” – Charles Bukowski

“Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go around looking for it, and I think it can be poisonous. I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each other would say to each other, when they fight, ‘Please — a little less love, and a little more common decency” – Kurt Vonnegut

Keeper of The Garage

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It was 5:30. I couldn’t sleep.

Figured as much when you have a nap at four. My body starts fucking with me the minute it knows I’m on vacation. It will keep me running at trucker hours when I have an audit first thing in the morning but when the only thing on the morning agenda is to beat off, the roosters are yelling at me to go back to sleep.

I decide to make the most of it and hit the gym. Doing something productive couldn’t hurt. I crank up the Gloria Estefan and dance my way into the kitchen. I scoop a bit of the red powered more powerful than cocaine and mix it with my tap water. The mixture that is guaranteed to take years off my life but it sure does make my biceps look nice.

After strapping on my chucks I head out the door. My car is an ice box. My hands barely can grip the wheel. Winter is finally here. No more booty shorts. It’s yoga pant weather. I give it a few minutes before jetting down the parking garage. The gym doesn’t open until 6:00 anyways.

I take the long way trying to kill more time. Jamming out to more Gloria. A true Cuban princess. I drive down the parking garage. Only one car in the whole place. An old Ford with the trunk open. Exactly what I expected for a holiday weekend. I park in my usual spot and look at the clock, 5:50. My gym is fucking stickler about opening up early. Especially with a unique name like 24 hour fitness.

Fuck freezing outside. I’ll play on my phone for a few minutes. Weird. A girl I’d been chatting with on OKC hands me out her number. A cute Latin chick that says she’s always down for tacos. I start texting, “Real talk, who does-”

HOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The phone drops to the passenger seat.

HHHOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

I look up. The Ford is angled, about an inch from my bumper. What the fuck? I’m in a parking space. I look at the driver.

“FUCK YOU!” she says. She’s got the double birds flying in the air.

Who tha….. What tha…… I pull up to the driver side door. My shoulder pops cranking the window down. I start to speak, “Excuse-“.  The motor roared. The Ford darted past me. Dale Earnhardt would shit himself on the speed.

Well, that takes care of that. I pulled up into the nearest spot and went back to my phone. 5:55. Even with all the excitement, I still got a couple minutes.

SQUEEEEAAAAAK! DUNK! DUNK!

My head flinches to the rear view. The Ford is flying around the turn back my way!

Oh fuck this shit! I’m not about to reason to a bitch with automatic seat belts. They clearly have a screw loose. I throw my car in gear and drive out of there. I get to the top level and a Blonde in a Mercedes drives past.

Poor thing doesn’t stand a chance. Good Luck.

Fucking March

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I had my shoes kicked up on the desk. Phone out. Relishing in the bliss of what was suppose to be a chill holiday week.

“Hey Darby! So I was thinking about the ECO-proposal and did you add in extra time for the SCADA integration.” He said

I fumbled my phone to my pocket. “Jeez you scared me boss. I thought you were talking the week off?”

“Err yea had a change of plan. My son isn’t coming until later this week. Anyways, I talked with Bill this morning and he told me they have to push signing the contract until after March. So I was thinking….”

Dammit. This was it. Here was the writing on the wall. He kept jawing but lost me. Our last meeting still fresh in my mind. March was the when we’d determine if there was an encore performance or not. Whether the band gets to stay together or one of us flies off the rails. Gets addicted to heroine. Just a little bit at first cause this engineering stuff is stressful, but hey, he’s still producing, so no one notices. Then things go bad to worse, drafters are finding needles near the plotter. Mark hasn’t shown up for weeks. And some guy named T-bone keeps showing up and hassling the receptionist. “I’m sorry sir, but like I said, we’re an Engineering firm. We don’t sell dishes here.” “NAH bitch da FUCKIN CHINA! Tell ’em debts need to be PAID IN FULL!”

I knew it. This project was too good to be true. The president’s old drinking buddy from Florida was over his head with this power stuff and needed our help. We’d send the proposal and just before signing they’d want more work from us. “Could you add an extra high side breaker?” You bet your sweet ass we can. But when it came down to it, they were no different from the fat kid at the bike shop. They’ll try every bike but we both know they aren’t buy anything.

“Okay, I get right on that for you,” I said.

He walked away. “Thanks Darby!”

I pulled up Microsoft Word and began typing.

“Objective: Personable leader looking to acquire a challenging position….”

God I sound like a douche on paper.