How to Stand Out At a Concert

You move through the herd of selfie takers by the Riot Fest Demon Head

Dodge the Random Zombies in between stages, Texting their friends

Bump into the groups scrolling Instagram while Weezer warms up

You tilt your head to make out Rivers Cuomo from the sea of iPhones recording

“Bro, give me your Phone, I’ll take a sweet video for you” Says the stoned kid in the Bulls Hat next to you.

“It’s cool man, I’ll just enjoy it now.”

Welcome to being fucking weird in 2018.

The kik. Attempt Pt. 1

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Part 2

He checked his phone again. Still the picture of the confused emoji. What the fuck did that mean?

He started typing in Google. “Weird emoji on kik app” But all that came up was how to type an emoji. Well fuck I’m not that stupid. He took notes anyway. I’d be handy for later.

He’d tried kik once before when some divorcee sent him nudes of her massive nipples. The over-under started at pepperoni, but the clock ended with silver dollars. It was a tit for tat picture swap but it got cut short when he kept telling her the photos were blurry. The last time the phone buzzed it read, “You’re an ass hole.” True. I’m not a saint. But at least he wasn’t the mother Teresa of blue balls.

Before then he had only heard about kik from a Colombian, he’d dated once. “I don’t understand the point. Why not just give out the number?” “It’s an anonymous. Plus you can send videos and pictures.” “Oh, that sounds kinda cool.” “Not really, it’s just a bunch of dick pics.”

“Message me on kik :Victora*7865*” Fuck it. This time he wanted to try something different. Instead of sending a dead end message on OKC he decided to use the screen name on kik. That’s what it was for right?  She had fake tits, fake lips, and was awkward holding a camera for a mirror selfie, which probably meant she was trans. Girls these days just know how to give the allure of sex, something that takes a while to learn. But he didn’t care. He’d been on dates with just about every type of personality there was. Black, white, tall, short, fat, skinny, penis, vagina, it’s all good. The main requirement is long as you have curves and depth.

He kicked out the first message. Banter about how she used stars within her screen name. Stupid shit he knew, but the kid has sent worse. If they were in person he knew he could do so much better, but he rarely ever got that chance.

Four days later the phone buzzed.

“LOL”

Shit. He figured it was a dead end. But there was some hope on this retarded medium. He decided to push it. He wanted to hang out with this person and have a kik adventure. For better or worse. He took the joke further and called her a kik veteran. Compared the interaction to LeBron playing a middle school-er. Minutes the later the phone buzzed again.

“Ur crazy!”

Progress! Still had to hold out for a few minutes. Didn’t want to seems too eager before sending the next message.

He typed, “yea, I’ve been trying to get a check for that you know? They just don’t hand them out like they use too.”

The phone buzzed again. This time faster than than before. “Oh my god, I’m going it” he thought. “I’m gonna have this story. I’m gonna meet this broad and run around the city. We’ll have a drink Buzz’s, then run across the street to Kylde Warren. Shit we might even sneak into Greenwood Cemetery and look for haunted tombs. This message is the key. I’m gonna turn it around and ask her out.” He thought. He almost dropped the iPhone as he pulled it out of his pocket. His thumb was having trouble with circle. Finally! He swiped over a page and mashed the kik icon. The screen went blank while the message loaded. He read the words.

“send me ur dick”

He put the iPhone back in his pocket.