The kik. Attempt pt. 2

Part 1

He was killing time again at work with OKC. It use to be his favorite dating site when he could send a witty message to anyone, but now the stars have to aline for a girl to read it. His odds are just as good on tinder now that they’ve taken the personality portion out of online dating. Let’s be honest, who really has time to get to know someone these days?

He was 4 swipes in when the title “Mz Badd” came up. He stopped for a second. Most girls use their first name, but seeing this white 33 year old, with braided hair sparked his curiousity.  Her pictures revealed a busty 5’4″, beautiful thick waist woman, with a natural ass that would make Kim K jealous. He swipped over to her sassy misspelled profile, something he could respect as he was dyslexic himself. The last section of “You should message me if…” read as followed:

Whit Bois tred litely. I hang wit a lot of hispanic and blaks. Take ur bes shot whit boi if u thik u got game. Come corect or dont come at all.

His fingers quivered. When he was 21, he had a fling with a girl who had a raw personality back in his small home town. She wore South Pole suits like J-Lo and her apple bottom could be seen for miles. She even once surprised him on Christmas eve wearing sexy Ms Clause lingerie. They fucked for an hour and a half all over the dark stained carpet motel room that smelled like menthols. She told him he fucked like a pornstar and made her cum 4 times. He never came because he was embarassed of what others might think if they heard. Now he’s alone in a city, and she’s married with a guy who works at jiffy lube.

He fired off a message “I feel like a lot of guys don’t come correct”, and put his phone away, figuring it was a lost cause. An hour later she answered back.  “Lol no they dont”. then threw out three more behind it. The last one saying, “normally I dont hit whit bois back but u cute fr. I dont chec dis much, hit me up on kik XXXXX” Damnit, he thought. His achilees heel of dating apps.

As the day went on, they messaged back and forth. He found it hard to desifer her text speak, but when it came to online dating he’d put his writing and wit against anyone (except DT). He made a joke about how all white boys are corny. She laughed and asked him if he’d ever dated a “Boss Bitch”. He replied yes as he thought of his ex and the girl from back home, who both refered to themselves in such a manner. He joked about how she should wear a skirt and play golf. She said that you’d never find her anywhere near a green, unless your talking about that good shit.

He laughed then asked where would he find her? A few hours went by and she said “u still owe me the pic I asked for last night.” He instantly fired one back, “Woha, I think your trying to hustle me now. When was this?”

He sat there puzzled with absoultely no memory of getting solicited. He scroled through the messages again. Finally he found a random one that read “take me one of u now. stick ya tounge out too lol”. At the time he didn’t know what the fuck she was talking about, so he ignored it.

Within the past couple days he checks his phone periodically, still no response.

kik 2 – Darby 0

The kik. Attempt Pt. 1


Part 2

He checked his phone again. Still the picture of the confused emoji. What the fuck did that mean?

He started typing in Google. “Weird emoji on kik app” But all that came up was how to type an emoji. Well fuck I’m not that stupid. He took notes anyway. I’d be handy for later.

He’d tried kik once before when some divorcee sent him nudes of her massive nipples. The over-under started at pepperoni, but the clock ended with silver dollars. It was a tit for tat picture swap but it got cut short when he kept telling her the photos were blurry. The last time the phone buzzed it read, “You’re an ass hole.” True. I’m not a saint. But at least he wasn’t the mother Teresa of blue balls.

Before then he had only heard about kik from a Colombian, he’d dated once. “I don’t understand the point. Why not just give out the number?” “It’s an anonymous. Plus you can send videos and pictures.” “Oh, that sounds kinda cool.” “Not really, it’s just a bunch of dick pics.”

“Message me on kik :Victora*7865*” Fuck it. This time he wanted to try something different. Instead of sending a dead end message on OKC he decided to use the screen name on kik. That’s what it was for right?  She had fake tits, fake lips, and was awkward holding a camera for a mirror selfie, which probably meant she was trans. Girls these days just know how to give the allure of sex, something that takes a while to learn. But he didn’t care. He’d been on dates with just about every type of personality there was. Black, white, tall, short, fat, skinny, penis, vagina, it’s all good. The main requirement is long as you have curves and depth.

He kicked out the first message. Banter about how she used stars within her screen name. Stupid shit he knew, but the kid has sent worse. If they were in person he knew he could do so much better, but he rarely ever got that chance.

Four days later the phone buzzed.


Shit. He figured it was a dead end. But there was some hope on this retarded medium. He decided to push it. He wanted to hang out with this person and have a kik adventure. For better or worse. He took the joke further and called her a kik veteran. Compared the interaction to LeBron playing a middle school-er. Minutes the later the phone buzzed again.

“Ur crazy!”

Progress! Still had to hold out for a few minutes. Didn’t want to seems too eager before sending the next message.

He typed, “yea, I’ve been trying to get a check for that you know? They just don’t hand them out like they use too.”

The phone buzzed again. This time faster than than before. “Oh my god, I’m going it” he thought. “I’m gonna have this story. I’m gonna meet this broad and run around the city. We’ll have a drink Buzz’s, then run across the street to Kylde Warren. Shit we might even sneak into Greenwood Cemetery and look for haunted tombs. This message is the key. I’m gonna turn it around and ask her out.” He thought. He almost dropped the iPhone as he pulled it out of his pocket. His thumb was having trouble with circle. Finally! He swiped over a page and mashed the kik icon. The screen went blank while the message loaded. He read the words.

“send me ur dick”

He put the iPhone back in his pocket.