If Tinder Profiles Were More Than 500 Characters: Pt. 1

iphone-410311_1280

Me:

-Aspiring writer to be featured on “The Best of Craigslist”

-Professional at playing hide and seek from my boss for 8 hours straight.

-Blogger, but not in the conventional click bait “10 ways to be told how to do something by a person who’s currently forcing a giant brown log into porcelain because they don’t like working for someone else, need money for their Frosted Flakes dinner, and get a soft chub at the idea of telling someone else how to do something, they’ve done a few times.” I just write short fiction.

-Actual read profiles (sorry)

-Not really into poly relationships, mainly because (Insert a dad joke about angles and Geometry here)

– Would like to find the original girl that wrote “If your beard doesn’t connect, neither can we” and buy her a drink.

You:

-Must have personality, wit, and enjoy the occasional cocktail, which depending on both ends of the conversation, may lead to a shitload more of them.

-Consider a “Shitload” to be an actual unit of measurement and wished one day it would officially be entered into the metric system.

-Thinks the guy that invented the upside-down smiley emoji to be the face of our generation

-Have once tied your bootlaces so tight that you had to perform a surgical operation with a butter knife to remove them from your leg. But it really wasn’t a planed thing. Like you were just walking down busy McKinney Ave, near Shell Shack, with your omelet material for the week. Some of it says organic produce on the package, but it’s not from Whole Foods, so you’re kinda on the fence about it, but hey, we’re all trying to save some money and be healthy at the same time. Look the point is, you moved out of your way for the sweet old couple ahead of you wear matching SMU gear and the next thing you know, your left bootlace gets welded to the right, forcing you to move like you’ve seen way too many kidnap movies. The weeble-wabble finally falls to the pavement, leaving literally egg all over your face, where all the Alpha Gamma Delta girls sipping mimosas laugh hysterically.

-Like the Beatles

OKC: About me pt 2

mind-2197437_1920

Part 1

I recently moved across the country to become boarder line homeless and fill marbles in a jar. I work in a startup department that has all the gut wrenching highs and lows of a Telenovela. Unfortunately, there aren’t any sexy Latin women. Well one, but she got pissed at me for asking to help take out the trash. Sweetheart, I get that you’re in heels but you finally lost the Jenga style trash game we’ve all been playing this week and didn’t pick it up. All you have to do is put the new trash bag in the empty bin. I guess that was asking too much of her and it sent me to the principal’s office for being “too abrasive.”

When I’m not getting barked at for taking out my co-workers garbage, I design spider-web power structures. Well more like constantly re-design due to the ever changing flavor of the month standards. These beautiful wired monstrosities are the most under appreciated pieces of art scattered throughout the state of Florida. They only get noticed when a hurricane or a drunk driver plows into one and the pieces are all over a fat balding man’s property who is pissed because his beer is going to get warm, and now can’t watch the NASCAR race in his favorite chair.

In the 45 minutes of free time I get per day I write, read, and mess with strangers in my fake Australian accent at the local watering hole called “Duffy’s.” I became very disappointed to find out that the name has no relations to the Simpsons and they don’t like it when you order a duff beer. It’s really not the bartenders fault though, she’s young. The Simpsons haven’t been relevant since the early 90’s. Even though, I bet her profile is on here and it probably says that she considers herself a 90’s child and claims the spice girls were a significant part of her early childhood development process. If you’re out there reading this Sarah, the jig is up.

(Note: this is taken from an old profile I use to use)