Feel Better?


“So does that make every feel better?”

Duh fuck kinda question was that. This meeting was about as useless at Marilyn Manson’s tits. Like shit, we all got it when Caitlyn Jenner got Tits. She’s actually Trans. You know, a WOMAN trapped in a MANS’s body. A victim. But Marilyn had no inclination of even considering the possible operation. He still wanted to battle his silicone orbs with Rose McGown’s real mountains while his throbbing rod scraped her inside walls back and forth. Fucking useless.

This was suppose to be a meeting where we clear the air about all the bullshit going on. About how tomorrow we have to go into a bigger meeting with the head honcho’s and explain why everything is not my boss’s fault. This was suppose to be a meeting where they would tell me I could stop using my personal computer for work because our IT department can’t figure out how to stop ransomware attacks. This was suppose to be a meeting about how I was going to be compensated for the 12 hours days I worked extra, the several holidays I came in the dead office to play on AutoCAD, or the seven day work weeks, or how I was going to lose all my vacation time because I didn’t get to use it this year.

Instead he began the meeting by telling us he laid off the most senor employee in our group. He said his head wasn’t ever here. Watching too many soccer games, did him in. But no mention of the fact he uprooted his entire family 400 miles, and the pain and suffering it caused his socially awkward son to fight the gauntlet of making new friends, because obviously his brain wasn’t ever here. The last punch was when we were given three months. Only three months for more work to start picking up before more layoffs began. Until the end of the first quarter he said, then the higher ups will start looking to make cuts. So for three months we’re all enemies. The office has now turned into a brutal game of Corporate Survivor for who can outwit, outlast, and out kiss the most ass of the higher ups. DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES DARBY? Can you get on your knees and start slobbing the corporate knob so you can pay the bills in the apartment you never get to see?  Stay tuned.

I also found out we’ll be switching to Dunkin’ Dougnuts coffee in the break room, so there’s that.

Apologies Apologies


I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that our boss said that too you. The same boss who’s a vice president and worked at a giant company for 40 years and somehow has the social awareness of an autistic 5 year old who just learned to form sounds. I’m sorry that for whatever reason he loves the micro-management style and loves to either dump or transfer work to only a chosen few that he trusts. I’m sorry I’m one of the few.

I’m sorry that you got a call from your Son and stormed out so fast that I didn’t have a second to talk to about what happened. I knew you were upset and wanted to at least attempt to calm you down. I’m sorry that you told me once that I reminded you of one of your sons. I’m sorry your not the first attractive 40 some year old co-worker I’ve had who’s told me that same thing.

I’m sorry that I’m smart. Unfortunately for my sake my old man is really smart too but you wouldn’t know it because of all the drinking and drugs in his system at any given time. I’m sorry that for whatever reason some of the high IQ genes leached into the load that inseminated my mom. I’m sorry that I learned at the young age of 14 how to be successful at work. How to place my entire personality in a box, and leave it outside the office for 8 to 10 hours a day and only retrieve it when it’s time to go home. I’m sorry this is a learned behavior from a child who grew up in a broken home and just wanted attention. I’m sorry this is one of the reasons I hate a corporate job so much.

I’m sorry that I grew up poor enough that my parents couldn’t afford to pay for my college but also rich enough that Fasfa didn’t help me out any. I’m sorry I had to bust my ass in school, for a major I love, only to get 60,000 dollars in debt and realize I hate doing it for a living. I’m sorry I’m working crazy hours to get out of debt so I can quit and go back to working with people more, instead of a cube farm where I hear stories about the wild weekend at Tractor Supply.

I’m sorry I don’t talk to more people at work. I have a very natural outlandishly blunt personality and the idea of possible HR torture that would ensue when this comes out frightens the shit out of me. I’m sorry that you actually understand this on some level and you have become one of the few people I look forward to seeing everyday. I’m sorry people cut you off during your stories about Colorado, your old job, or your granddaughter. I legitimately love the mental vacations I get to take when hearing about these things. And I’m sorry when we get into long conversations and get rudely interrupted.

I’m sorry that you and I are the best dressed ones in the entire floor. I’m sorry that Grey and Evelyn think they can give us a run for our money. But let’s be honest here, I bring the heat with my stylish leather jackets and you make those black wedges look effortless (yes the ones with the buckle). I’m also sorry neither of us has ever verbally acknowledged this to one another.

Look this isn’t a confession of love where I want some kinda creepy Ms. Robinson type fantasy. Not even close. I think you’re a real person, who’s passionate about what you do and has tenacity to attack something until you understand it. It doesn’t matter how much the odds are stacked up, you still get in the ring. Not only do I admire that, but I’ve become addicted to it. That attitude has gotten inherited through osmosis and has kicked my ass into gear in the past few weeks.

But the thing is, I’m not afraid to say when I fucked up, or when I see an entire situation is completely fucked up.

Honestly I’m not afraid to say that even though I know our boss is an asshole, who doesn’t understand that constantly joking about firing you isn’t okay, and neither is taking work away from you so you don’t have anything to do. Despite these things and more about this place I didn’t list, I still don’t want you to quit.

Also and most importantly, from the honest to god bottom of my heart,

I just wanted to say,

I’m sorry.

Just Another Day at the Office


I got back to my desk with a post-it note staring me back in the face. It was barely legible with the chicken scratch all over it but I already knew what it said. I grabbed the notebook and a pen like I was told to do the day before and walked down the hall. I had taken so many notes earlier, I considered grabbing another but I didn’t want to appear like an overachiever at this point in the game.

“Hey! Close the door and have a seat!” The jolly voice said to me. Everything was neat in his office, except for the pile of paper work on his desk. They were all from me the day before though. Classic HR shit. He began to dial the number on the phone written on the screen. The phone rang out, “Enter the meeting Id number.” Mike began scurrying around, “Oh geeze, what was that number?” From the few times I’ve met Mike, he seemed like he would be a good boss, although he did have his John Candy moments.

Beep Boop Boop Beeep BEEEP. “Now entering the meeting, there are currently 12 participants.” Mike got loud, “Who’s on the call?” Various names came across the loudspeaker. “Fantastic! Mike and James are on here too!” Well everyone, I called this meeting to discuss the current issues on project 113457. “It’s about time!” and Angry voice chimed in. “The reactor’s are late, the drawings are FUCKING wrong, and WE WANT ANSWERS!” Mike responded, “I completely understand. This is why I have James with me, so we can both handle this types of questions.” I looked over at Mike and he was drawing random spirals in his notebook. “I’m going to let James take it from here. What did you find out about the Reactors?”

I was in complete disbelief, this was my Third day.

And it was all too clear why I was hired.