Actual Cover Letters I Send To Literary Magazine Editors Pt. 2

Dear Editor,

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….I bet you were waiting for me to start off the cover letter like a professional and not some 90’s retro computer game. Well expect the unexpected, my friend. Here I would love to tell you that there is some deep significance to the number seven that applies to the story I’m sending, but there isn’t. I thought it would be fun to draw.

If you couldn’t tell, this letter isn’t going to get any different from what’s above. I’ll probably ramble a few more sentences about nonsense and sprinkle in some inappropriate jokes here and there, because well screw it. I really don’t care if you publish my work or not.

Trust me, it’s not that I don’t think my work is good. Everything I write is fireworks on the 4th,  including my name. I would like you too, if you feel it fits you journal. But if not, we’ll do this song and dance again soon.

You see for whatever reason, I measure my success by the amount of times I hit the green submit button. That’s the gold metal to me. Whatever happens after that is a bonus. This year I’ve submitted 30 pieces, which means I’ve kicked ass 30 times. Chicago Marathoners have nothing on me and you best believe 31 is coming in a few brief seconds. Well, that is, until I figure out how to tie in a solid joke at the end.

………

………

……………………So I got nothing. I was trying to out smart you by making a pun with a movie quote from Se7en. But I’m done. I wasted all my creativity on this this piece. …Okay and this cover letter that you probably won’t read. So you won this round, but I’ll be back. You can count on that one.

P.S. Please enjoy my my 700 word piece entitled “Oscar”.

P.S.S. I really loved your last piece “Mooncake” by Grace Prasad.

Sincerely,

Darby Cashed

Aka the people champ

Aka the Voodoo Child

Aka the Italian Stallion

Aka the most successful deadbeat writer you’ve never heard of

 

Part 1 Here

 

The Hard Part

Everything is in front of you.

It always has been.

Getting promoted

Getting 100k followers on Instagram

The satisfaction of seeing your son’s first A on a Math test

Being a better Christian

Being a Better Atheist

Meeting that girl across the crowed bar

Meeting the guy reading on the train

Owning a Ferrari

Getting a book published

Traveling to Europe

Making new friends

Getting promoted

Starting your business

Being featured on Kayne West’s new album

losing 50lbs

Being more productive

Becoming a vegan

 

All this and more, is real

Regardless of what anyone tells you.

They are real

and obtainable as a gallon of milk.

It’s Easy,

But you got to break the goals down into bite sized pieces

And attack them

everyday.

 

That’s the hard part.

Snow Day

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To: Darby, Steve, Miguel, Sarah, Jordan

Sent: 4:38pm

Subject: Tomorrow’s Weather

Body: “The weather is suppose to be bad tomorrow. Please plan on working from home.

Thanks,

-Mark”

********

To: Mark

CC: Darby, Steve, Miguel, Sarah

Sent: 10:03pm

Subject: Out of Office

Body: “My son’s school will be closed tomorrow, will be working from home.

-Jordan”

*******

To: Mark

CC: Steve, Miguel, Sarah, Jordan

Sent: 6:25am

Subject: Weather

Body: “As much fun as walking around in 18 degrees plus wind sounds, I’m going to work from home as well. I just got over being sick from that exact thing and I don’t want to catch it again.

Call me if you need anything.

-Darby”

*****

To: Mark

CC: Darby, Miguel, Sarah, Jordan

Sent: 9:03am

Subject: Re:Weather

Body: “Completely understandable. My wife is sick today, so I’ll be trying to nurse her back to health.

Call me or email if you need anything.

-Steve

—————————————————————————————————

“As much fun as walking around in 18 degrees plus wind sounds, I’m going to work from home as well. I just got over being sick from that exact thing and I don’t want to catch it again.

Call me if you need anything.

-Darby”

***********

To: Mark

CC: Darby, Steve, Jordan, Sarah

Sent: 9:05am

Subject: Working From Home

Body: “Call me if you need anything

-Miguel”

*********

To: Darby, Steve, Jordan, Sarah, Miguel

Sent: 10:14am

Subject: Bad Weather Days

Body:

“I think there was a misunderstanding about today. I was going by the forecast and wanted everyone to plan on working from home IF the weather did in fact turn bad. I did NOT intend for everybody to work from home when the weather did not turn bad and the roads were clear. I did hear from most of you with an explanation as to why you were not coming in but please do not take advantage of me about working from home. THIS WILL BE DISCUSSED AT FURTHER TOMORROW!

Please make sure you understand this and if you have any questions let me know. I want to give you as much flexibility but WHEN NO ONE SHOWS UP TO WORK ON A SUNNY DAY, IT LOOKS VERY BAD!

-Mark”

*********

That’s what we get for following the rules.