The DART Review

I walked past the American Airlines Center my way to train station yesterday. A well edited video played on the giant screen outside showing the wonders of the DART rail system.  It was shot like a dream where these two hipster girls and a black guy (cause they had to hit that quota) run around the city having a blast. They board different trains, go to the record shop, and windup downtown at some rooftop patio. The end says something like, Make your next trip a DART trip!

Now I don’t know how many of you have been to Dallas, but let me tell you something, THE DART IS NOTHING LIKE THIS.

It’s more like you get to the platform and have to pull your shirt over your face to block out all the stale cigarette smoke. The train you’re waiting for is always at the farthest platform, so you have to dodge three incoming trains from both directions just to wait. Along the way, you’ll meet a homeless man named ‘Slick J’ who tries to sell you AA batteries out of a plastic bag. A steal at only two for a dollar.

After you politely decline a few times, the train dings and you get on board. A fare inspector asks you for your ticket because we’re Dallas. We don’t want to copy how NYC or Chi-town collects fares. There systems may have been in place for decades and work but we’d rather pay someone to walk around on the train and hand out $200.00 tickets. So you try to pull up the DART app but it crashed and you get kicked off at the next stop, while they call for backup.

In conclusion, I would definitely make my next trip a DART trip!

7 out of 10

The Neighbor and Shape

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Dear Neighbor at 303,

I believe your name is Hannah, or at least that is who the March issue of Shape is addressed to. Although we’ve never met in person, this magazine was sitting in my mailbox a couple weeks ago. I meant to give it back to you then, but I became enthralled with the issue. Majority of the shit I read is a mixture of bad online dating profiles, technical work shit, and lots of fiction. Needless to say, it was a breath of fresh air when I read the 62 ways to nurture my body and brain. Apparently I already do number 36, so I’m ahead of the game.

Unfortunately, not everything is gold in this zine. On page 28, they say Go Bold with your Tights Game! This is horseshit. Every bimbo at L.A. fitness in the DFW area is doing that right now. Fashion is an expression and they’re saying with that is “I got dressed in the dark and I’m replacing my fashion sense with squat reps.” Don’t be that girl. Nobody likes that girl. Also on page 2, they have a picture of Shay Mitchell from the cover standing in a tall grass field when it’s obvious she just had a Brazilian done before the shoot. Kind of a dick move on the photographer’s part, don’t you think? I would imagine her thighs would be itchy enough without the wind rubbing tiny blades of grass on them. But I’m a guy, so what do I know?

Anyways, I apologize for having this for so long, but technically you’re still getting the March issue in March, so I think your still making out okay.

Sincerely,

Your neighbor at 302.

PS. To answer your lingering question: Yes, I was loaded when I wrote this.

Featured Blogs That Get More Views Than Mine: Life and Dreams of an Unchained Heart

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About a week ago my phone buzzed erratically at 3:30 am. I’d been having trouble sleeping the past couple weeks anyways, due to the slaughter-fest of people getting laid off at my job. I assumed it was L, a girl I’ve been seeing (who is normally awesome but is cruising for a muff punch lately) but to my surprise it was a notification of someone liking my post. Before I could put it back down, the phone vibrated¬† again and again.

This went on for a half hour straight. Rather than learn how to turn off the notifications on my iPhone, something that should be easy for an Engineer, I decided peek over at her site. It’s the least I could do. Not only did she read every post, but she left a few comments. Kudos. I’m sure she’s aware, this is how Darbis E Cashed likes to give back to the WordPress community. So without further ado.

The first thing I did was read over the comments she left. I was completely dumbfounded! This girl CAN FUCKING WRITE! Holy shit! I think I might be in love. For someone who spent the better part of last Sunday night getting verbally ass raped at a writers critique, it was definitely raised a tired eyebrow. I get excited for these kind of descriptions.

I suppose telling her that you jacked off while waiting for her response probably wouldn’t have gone well, but a pile of cum on the floor is essentially what this woman turned out to be.

Yikes! Harsh. I’m 5’6″ with giant balls and a Napoleon complex to match. I live among Texas amazon women who literally rock a one step per sidewalk square stride. To some of them I physically don’t enter their mind space, probably similar to how the Giant felt about Jack before the whole bean stock incident. I get ignored a lot both online and in person, but yet have never referred to any women as a pile of cum. I don’t know, I guess I’m old fashioned that way.

Clicking over to the About page I learned a lot. She’s a New Yorker (had a hunch from the comment), a total plus in my book. I love east coast people, most honest motherfuckers you’ll ever come across. I’d rather have that than this fake southern hospitality bull shit I’m surrounded by.

To me this girl is living the dream. Has a part time gig. Gets to write all day. Doesn’t have to deal with questions around the coffee pot like “How was your weekend?” when you know Frank from accounting just wants to tell you about his Daughter’s 3rd grade play. The mother fucking dream! But reading further things get interesting.

She’s bipolar and navigating her way through the online dating scene.

…….And now you have all my attention.

I dated a girl who was bi-polar once. At least I think she was, she might of just been crazy. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. But it was a wild ride to say the least. One moment she would be tearing my clothes off, trying to snap my cock with her pelvis. And a few hours later, she’d be leaving sobbing voice mails about how she had no one in her life and “really needed me to pick up the phone or else I’D COME OVER THERE AND BURN YOUR FUCKING PLACE DOWN!” Naturally I had to let that one go. It was just a bit too much for me. But I will say she was hot. They always are. And I’m willing to bet Ms. Shattered Wishes is not too bad on the eyes either.

In all seriousness, I know how hard dating can be. Shit I’m just starting to get to the big 3-0 and feel like I still have a lot to learn. I’ve dated in damn near 20 of the 50 States from all types of girls on the socioeconomic spectrum, with all types of backgrounds and as anyone can tell, I have a pretty hard time with it. And, well fuck, I’m just polar. I can’t imagine what adding another level of difficultly that on top of that could do.

So I truly mean it when I say, good luck out there Missy. I tip my hat to you. But honestly, I think I’m going to need more of that luck than you do. Your posts read like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders, probably better than mine. If you ever find yourself in Texas let me know, we’ll go on a random online 4 way date and make it really awkward for the other two people.

Thanks for reading my dumb little blog about jerking off to tinder pictures.

Overall: 9/10 Would read again

 

 

 

 

 

Featured Blogs That Get More Views Than Mine: “The Slutty Study”

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My phone dinged with a message that said “Jerri liked your post.”

Now this is nothing new for people who have real blogs with a bunch of followers and gross 500 views a day. But for Darbus E Cashed at Marble Tulips we take this kinda thing seriously. I mean having only your mom read a post where sex with you is compared to sanding a tunnel with a q-tip, kinda makes Christmas dinner a little awkward. Needless to say, I was intrigued.

The blog title grabbed me instantly. I clicked on the link labeled “The Slutty Study” and off I went. Questions formed in my head. Was she a Sorority chick in College, hens the play on words? Or did she bang a bunch of dudes in the name of science, like Trish the Dish from Mall rats? I mean who says the Scientific Method isn’t sexy? Shit the word ‘hypothesis’ just sounds like it’s begging to have an urban dictionary entry dealing with a bunch of plant leaves, petroleum jelly, and a kitty pool full of water.

Upon further digging, the term slut was not used in the ass leaking, ‘Back Door Sluts 9’ way we all know and love. Oh no. It was in the softer definition of the word, like how Molly Shannon from Superstar would’ve use it. A mixture of both raw and elegant like a man giving a light, well timed spanking to his girl at the county fair, forcing other couples to look at their intimacy issues. Basically, a term of liberation. Allowing yourself to go with the flow. Throw caution to the wind. Take life as it comes and feel something for once.

I dove into the “Yoga Guy” series like Harry Potter. I couldn’t help myself. I needed to know about the mysterious 47 year old limber man. Could he touch his toes? I get not being on the digital grid, but the unknown number? Weird. It reminded me about a date back in Halloween with someone I swore was going to be a catfish. Turned out, she literally was just the blonde bimbo that moved home from in Costa Rica a few weeks ago and didn’t have a U.S. number yet. Could’ve fooled me.

But to me the most interesting part is the entire premise of the blog. A sharp, witty, sometimes socially awkward, person moves to a new city to try and navigate there way around this crazy dating world. That sounds very familiar. Shit, that’s basically my first blog and even this one to some degree. I know the journey well, so it’s great it hear it from a different perspective.

Although, what’s up with a Canadian’s using ‘Mississippi’ to count? Like does everyone do that up there? I kinda thought that was an American thing and everyone else used the metric standard, ‘Banana’, for counting seconds.

In conclusion:

At the surface: A blog about dating in this crazy world from a woman’s view point? Awesome

At the depth: A blog about changing your beliefs about who you are and what you think you’re capable of? Truly Awesome!

Even Deeper: A blog with more than 6 followers? That’s Mother Fucking Awesome!

Overall – 9/10 with two strong thumbs ups.

Keep Scribbling homie.

 

-PS. Jerri if you ever find yourself traveling in the Lonestar State and want to trade dating stories with a 28 year old, half successful Engineer that has a bad ass record collection, and dreams of becoming a broke writer, let me know. My brother Jeremy is single.